Allison Redford and the Tories do not need any more scorn heaped on them today, so I will continue with some of the funny stuff I have managed to get in the last few days. I do hope they will add to your enjoyment of our on coming spring.
First of all I have a golf story for you, kind of.
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.
So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained, ‘and I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, ‘Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Ken.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Ken said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Ken’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
I have a friend in Woodstock New York who sends along a kind of collection of stories and Jokes, and the next few stories will be from him.
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich’s house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That’s the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they’d probably thought they’d hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: ‘Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.’
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan’s doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude’s ashes remained. Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.
Another Government study provides outstanding results . . .
CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah," but he could not say "Truck."
I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent . . .
"I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’" -Richard Jeni
WHY SOME MEN HAVE A DOG AND NO WIFE:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10.. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last… But not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.
I stopped by the Chevrolet dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun I took it for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they became extinct.
The salesman was an African-American wearing an "Obama change" pin. He sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass the year round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Damn guy had no sense of humour!
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)
That should do it for today, have a great weekend. Ross